Off the Tock

I’ve long been a member of the S Club—the “tock” cycle of biennial iPhone upgrades. My first iPhone was the 4s, after which I diligently upgraded every two years to the 5s, 6s, and finally the iPhone X. After that, I was thrown onto a different rotation when I decided to join the iPhone Upgrade Program and purchase the iPhone 11 Pro. Now, for the first time, I’m sending my phone back after only a year instead of keeping it and handing it down to my husband.

Ain’t no party like an S Club party

I’ve always thought of the “S” models as being inherently cooler than their number-only counterparts. Every time I upgraded my phone, it got dramatically better. The iPhone 4s had an 8 megapixel camera, took 1080p video, and came with Siri. The 5s got the A7 chip and TouchID, and the 6s brought 3D Touch, a 12 megapixel camera, 4K video, and Live Photos. There was something exciting about being on that particular cycle and I find myself feeling the loss of that this year. I’m upgrading my phone, but I’m not pumped about it.

In the end, of course, that’s fine. What a first-world problem to have, right? Being bored with a yearly upgrade to my phone…sheesh. In the end, I’ll gain a slightly larger screen, slightly improved camera, cool magnetic case, and a lovely shade of blue.

Still, I’m left with a strange feeling after watching Tuesday’s iPhone event. It just seemed…off. The 5G marketing bonanza felt forced and nonsensical. Apple knows 5G doesn’t matter to most people, or at least, they should. The whole thing had a vibe of “we didn’t get to make the phone we wanted to make this year due to time, supply chain, and technological constraints but by golly we have to sell phones this year or our shareholders will eat us so HERE’S SOME 5G.”

That flavor of enthusiastic marketing jibberish in lieu of a compelling product story leaves a bad taste in my mouth. In contrast, the presentation of the HomePod mini was very good, and the iPhone 12 mini suitcase gag was cute and funny. The presenters did a great job despite the 5G bologna, and the transitions were slick af. Lots of good stuff there, only to be soured by the near constant presence of Verizon (and I say that as a content Verizon customer).

I will say, it’s getting harder and harder for me to imagine where cellular phones even go from here. If the new iPhones had gotten ProMotion displays and Touch ID sensors this year…like…what is even next? Maybe I’m just out of the loop, but I can’t even begin to envision the “next” thing.

I’m SO stoked for Apple Silicon Macs, though. Particularly laptops.

I hope they have 5G.